This is the word that’s been haunting me the past two or so weeks. I’ve been destroying myself mentally and some what physically because of this word. I’ve been living for other people and for their expectations of me. I know no other way of life. This was how I was raised. I’ve failed so much in the eyes of those who expected the most and best from me. And everyday, I somehow remind myself of the many ways I’ve failed. No matter how well I’m doing, it always comes back to me.
I am now trying my hardest to make it up to these people. Hopefully they will understand how hard I’m trying and how much I want to make them happy and proud to call me theirs.
But on another note, I’m trying to do better for myself. I need to learn how to do things for me, so that I can be happy with myself. Because, I guess when it all comes down to it, you have to put your own well being first. Cause how can you take care of others when you can’t even take care of yourself? I want to be able to take care of my problems without turning to substance abuse and just trying to cloud my mind so I don’t think about how much I fucking suck.
I also want to be a better person for my friends. They have always been there for me and care about me more than I care about myself. They deserve that at least. Something that most of them aren’t aware of is that I constantly struggle with the idea of suicide. And honestly, I wouldn’t be here without them. Seeing them everyday is my reason to get out of my secluded mindset. They seriously mean a lot to me, and I wish I had the guts to tell them that.
I’m terrified of what will happen next
I don’t like being around people anymore. I’ve built this false personality whenever I’m around my friends. I don’t want them to worry about me, so I make sure to be in character when I’m with them. It’s so draining to pretend to be happy.
I’m starting to drink a lot again. And I don’t want that. But I don’t know how else to deal with myself. These thoughts are rampant and they make me want to be alone all the time. I feel like I’m about to have a hard month or so ahead of me. Cause that’s how long these episodes normally last. I just need to be to breath but I’m not getting any air. Something’s holding me under the water. It’s much stronger than I am. Just when I thought things couldn’t get better, I end up feeling worse than I have in a long ass time. I don’t get it.